Family Constellations

Before we get into the specifics of family constellations, I invite you to close your eyes for a moment and reflect on your roots – specifically your family of origin. Begin by thinking about your mother and father. Have you had a difficult journey with them? Are you struggling to forgive either of them for things done or left undone? If so, then your life most likely reflects that angst. Alternatively, do you find yourself repeating family patterns, including destructive ones? This is what we will be seeking to examine and release during this first month of the Rebirth Journey.

For those of you who have had a difficult relationship with your family of origin, the processes we are about to explore may prove to be especially challenging. You might balk at the idea that you should honor your mother father or other relative, especially if they were abusive. Or you might have done your best to break away from those who raised you and certainly never taken time to reflect on those family members whom you have never even met. Yet I hope you will believe me when I tell you that you can run but you cannot hide from root chakra issues.

Even if you are physically away from the family that raised you, they live on in you, often unrecognized. It’s only when you can look within and see the unconscious role that they still may be playing in your life that you will truly be free.

Don’t worry. I will not be telling you that you must befriend your abuser (assuming you have one) or move back in with your parents. But I have come to believe that you must honor those who gave you life simply because you would not be here at all without them. So let’s delve into family constellations so you can stop repeating the patterns of those who came before you and truly start living your best and authentic life.

As I discussed in the last post, family constellations is a healing modality designed to bring resolution in the fifth dimension for family issues you are experiencing in the here and now, the third dimension. It’s mystical and mysterious, and as anyone who has utilized it can attest, incredibly powerful. Given the enigmatic quality of family constellations, the best way to explain it is by describing the actual process.

Imagine walking into a room full of strangers who have volunteered to serve as representatives of your family members. You, as the “constellator,” have a family issue in mind that you would like to resolve and, one by one, you select individuals in that room to represent your mom, dad, siblings or other family members. It does not matter if those family members are still living or dead. You also will pick someone to represent yourself.

As these representatives stand up and step onto the constellation floor, they have no idea who you are or what issue you are trying to resolve. They simply begin describing what they are feeling – including their reaction to those around them. A facilitator is there to guide the representatives towards resolution, while you sit back and observe as if you were at a play.

While it can be hard to understand or even believe, the resolution that occurs on the constellation floor often changes your life in ways that will amaze and astound you. Rancor vanishes when the family members embrace in the constellation. Words of love expressed during the process translate into real life. And so much more.

The effects may continue for weeks and months. Rifts that have been simmering for years suddenly resolve. New understanding comes of what causes your family members to behave as they do. In the process, many of the life issues that you may have been dealing with personally gradually fall away. Destructive patterns are broken and new opportunities emerge.

How is this possible? The family constellation process is believed to tap into the morphic field, a concept coined by Dr. Rupert Sheldrake to describe a kind of “knowing field.” Without actually knowing you or any member of your family, a room full of strangers can access information only known to the family members themselves when they are in this field.

The morphic field is like other fields that we cannot see, but nonetheless have an effect on our lives. Think of the gravitational field for example. Although we feel its effects as we move through the world, we do not have to understand gravity itself in order to experience it. The electromagnetic field is another case in point. We can’t see it, but we tap into it every day when we pick up our cell phones and access wifi networks. The morphic field is the same. We do not have to understand it intellectually in order to benefit from it.

Here’s how the founder of family constellations, Bert Hellinger, describes what takes place in the morphic field:

During a constellation of the family, the client randomly chooses participants as stand-ins (representatives) for himself or other members of the family. Typically this might be the mother, father, brother(s) and sister(s). He then places them in a centered and connected way, in a spatial arrangement in relation to each other. Suddenly something comes to light in this process that surprises him. That is to say that in the process of the constellation, he comes in contact with a knowing that was not accessible before.” *

There is another intimately connected concept known as entanglement that is part of the constellation process. In quantum physics, entanglements are small atomic particles that cluster together until they are looked at by an observer. Once observed, they disentangle. Unhealthy family entanglements and patterns also disentangle when observed in this morphic field.

Perhaps you are wondering where to begin in healing your own family relationships. First look for patterns. Unresolved trauma in the past has a way of showing up again and again until someone is brave enough to see it and heal it. Or to put it another way, that which is unresolved will be passed on to the next generation until it is healed.

Have you noticed that in your own family? Do you come from a line of addicts, divorcees, widows or…fill in your own blank? Or maybe you’ve been told that you are just like your grandmother or you notice that your son is just like his uncle. While patterns may skip a generation, that does not necessarily mean that they have stopped. Regardless of how patterns show up in your life, family constellations can help put you on a different and more loving path.

Look too at current romantic relationships. Are you trying to change your partner? According to family constellation theory, the solution lies not in our partner but in our ancestors. While you can’t change what happened in the past, you can change your perception of it and that’s what makes all the difference. When we can fully love our parents, love will flow more freely with our romantic partners.

You’ve no doubt heard of the Mother Wound, for example, and many of us have struggled with that in our lives. According to Hellinger: “The way you see your mother will be the way you see your life.” Even if you consciously love your mother, look at the subconscious beliefs to find a deeper truth. Some of you may resonate more with the concept of the Father Wound. Constellation theory posits that unresolved issues with our fathers will often show up in our careers or how we move about the world because it is our father who gives us the impulse to open our wings and fly.

No matter what has happened in your parents’ past, remember that you do not know the whole story. If you had walked in their shoes, you might be just like them. Rather than judging them for their inadequacies, we remain in gratitude for the gift of life and watch our lives change as a result.

If you can get the opportunity to simply observe a constellation, I encourage you to do so. You will see again and again that representatives tap into a knowing of the family member that they are representing. They might even feel the physical symptoms of that person. When you decide to actually constellate, you will no doubt be amazed by the magic of the process. As you sit back and observe, long-standing family dysfunction can get resolved before your very eyes, paving the way for your rebirth.

*Hellinger, B., Ordnungen der Liebe, Ein Kursbuch, Carl-Aver-Systeme, Verkig, Heidelberg, 2001.